"White Doves"
“There, the Nikon Monarch, best in the market.” You mumble to me, brandishing the hunk of black with glinting lenses above your head. “Catch!” You command.
“Don’t thro—” I protest, a bit too late as my arms walk the dots of a mini-kerfuffle. It lands, heavy, in my hands and I look at you reproachfully for nearly damaging a fine-piece of equipment. Yes, you were my Conscience, but that was never a good excuse for maltreating a machine.
Your eyes never catch mine, they were far away, staring over sinew, muscle and tube.
“Them white doves never seem to be very good at roosting here, do they?” You say dismissively as you gnaw on a piece of dried cuttlefish. Strange, I didn’t know there was dried cuttlefish in a Godforsaken place as this. Still, I shrug, holding the pair of binoculars to my eyes and staring out.
I watch as the last ones shook flakes of dried blood off their feathers, preening fussily and pecking, harassed, at the heart that no longer beat properly before they stretched and flew out of my mouth. Gaped in a silent sob.
Them hopes never were good at staying in one place. Not least my heart.
Some excellent writing skills are present in this piece! However, there are a few verbs that need to be put into the present continuous, such as in this sentence:
ReplyDelete"I watch as the last ones shook (shake) flakes of dried blood off their feathers, preening fussily and pecking, harassed, at the heart that no longer beat properly before they stretched (stretch) and flew (fly) out of my mouth. Gaped (gaping) in a silent sob."
There is a definite style here. Perhaps you could push it even further with more descriptive adjectives to create an atmosphere in the beginning of the text? Try experimenting by giving clues about the location. It might help the reader build more visuals, and understand the setting and characters more.
Here is an exert from "Fundamentals of Good Writing" by Cleanth Brooks and Robert Penn Warren:
"The writer's relationship to his reader and to his subject may be summed up in the word tone. Just as the tone of voice indicates what the speaker's attitude is to his subject and his listener, so certain qualities of a piece of writing may indicate the attitude of the writer. Rhythms may be harsh and abrupt or lingering and subtle. Diction may be homely and direct or elaborate and suggestive. Sentence structure may be simple and downright or complicated by modifying and qualifying elements. Appeal may be made through logic or through persuasion. These and many other factors are related to the writer's conception of the relation between himself and the reader."
The tone in this text is apparent, but it could be pushed further. Try putting yourself in the reader's shoes, and see how you could accentuate this brooding, southern mood within the atmosphere, dialogue and characters.
For references on building a good foundation of tone and ambience, here are some things you could study:
- Classic books: "The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn" by Mark Twain; "Of Mice and Men" by John Steinbeck
- Short stories: "The Man in the Black Suit" by Stephen King; "Little Girl and Buh-Rabby" a folktale (can be found in print such as "Her Stories" by Virginia Hamilton).
- Films: "No Country for Old Men" 2007 directed by the Coen brothers.
- If possible, get someone to tell you some oral stories.
For general writing skills:
- "Writing Down the Bones" by Natalie Goldberg
You definitely have a style, and your fervor shows through the words. Above all, keep writing, be observant and plunge into the atmosphere that you are creating. Another tip: try reenacting your characters, and mimicking their behavior. Film yourself reading your story, or get someone else to read it to you. This is a common trick in animation and film that helps get a good look at your text so as to fix potential flaws and leverage positive attributes.
Hopefully we will all see more of your work. Keep creative!